I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
