oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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