Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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