I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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