areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
