Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
