in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Randomize