if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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