If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
