Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
