She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize