i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
