He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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