i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
