i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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