I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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