he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
nutella sex= disaster
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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