I am puke
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
