im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
