I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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