Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
