You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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