hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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