She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Found the puke drawer
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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