I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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