Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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