if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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