tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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