My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
