His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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