I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
