Can Purell be used as lube?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
