i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
