Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
