god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
