Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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