somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
