you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
