I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
