I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
