take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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