Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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