I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
