the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
