He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
