she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
