he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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