so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
