Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
