i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize