i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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