I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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