I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i came on her dog
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
