Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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