I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
