I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
