Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I have fence marks all over my body
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
