I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
