I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
