Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
