She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
