Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
