I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
