I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
