She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
