Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Randomize
