Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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