There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
