my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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