My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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