At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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