I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize