apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I fill condoms, not promises.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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