he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
