Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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