if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
